My job has become hard these days. It seems that there's always so much to do and so little time to do it. This week is the calm before the storm for my life. Pretty soon, markets will pick up, I'll be out crafting around DC and there'll never be a break for me-time, let alone dog time or relationship time. Life will be full of late nights of candle making and early mornings of packaging; lots of coffee and little sleep. I've been doing this for a few years now, and I know that I've really come around to managing this pretty well in this past year, which leads me to think - is it all really worth it?
I work from home. I do what I want every day but really, working for myself has become difficult. Am I truly living my dharma by making candles or am I just doing this to get by in life without having to discipline myself to wake up early and get to an office somewhere across the city? Is this job fulfilling my potential or am I shortening myself and not challenging myself to find and live my dharma? But if all of this stopped and suddenly I had to find a creative outlet for my pent up creative energy, where would I be in life? Crocheting ugly coasters when I'm home and doodling during office meetings? I keep playing the What If game with my career, and though I know I probably couldn't be happier than with doing what I've been doing for the past few years, I can't help but wonder What If I was more taken care of in life? What If I was more financially stable? What If people actually understood what I did for a living?
Someone told me that I was facing my quarter-life-crisis but I'm just not ready to have a crisis of faith in my life. So much of my time, blood, sweat, tears and MONEY has sunken into this place I've found myself in and I'm not ready to doubt it all and throw it out of the window and start from scratch.
So I guess what I'm saying today is - if you are reading this from the future, future Amina - some distant time like 2020 or 2025, I'd like some incite into my life. Let's have coffee this week.